Another Life, Another Time

In another life or another time I might have been or will be a sociologist or researcher of some sort. In college, I excelled in sociology and research writing. College wasn't that long ago for me, I got my associates degree when I was 41, then went on for a few more years but stopped short of my bachelors degree. But, any way, I bring that up because I have noticed that like me, there are a lot of blogs out there where the theme or individual feels as though they have one foot in the looney bin.

My take on that is that insanity is a source of freedom. I knew this older lady a while back, she lived in her own little world. She always had a smile on her face and generally talked to her self and walk around selling Avon. I told people that when I got old I wanted to be like her. She was just a bit crazy and seemed not to have a care in the world. Which in truth is what we all get from a bit of insanity...Freedom! Craziness is not anyone's fault. It releases you from the ordinary rules of the world. So in a sense we are all striving to be crazy...To be free.

Now Janis sang, "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." I always liked that line, for the truth it stated. As long as there is something you hold near and dear to you, you are not free. Even if you're crazy and you hold something near and dear, like your little dolly, your cigar box full of trinkets or every thing having its place, you can not be completely free.

My mind, although complex, is as simple as a blackboard. Somehow, I manage to function but as far back as I can remember (and that's not saying much) I can't remember. It's like the black board keeps getting erased but if you look hard enough there is still a slight sign of it under the dust. Over the years, I had been many peoples confidant. I had gotten a reputation of keeping other people's secrets. They knew they could tell me their deepest darkest secret and it would go no farther. However, later I could be reminded of stuff that would bring the memory back to the front. But, most times it was gone, lost, misfiled or something. The things I do remember are the stories from family and friends that have been repeated several times. So most times I feel as though I have a free mind. I don't have a whole lot of preconceived notions. But, then again unless I write things down a lot of my decisions are not well informed decisions. I can't always give a good reason for why I'm doing or saying something.

I watch all those forensic shows, CSI's and Law & Orders and still can't come up with the best way to put my husband out of my misery. Because what comes out of my head is I seen that if I take this certain kind of stuff that might be poison or a common household item and put it in his food or maybe it was placing it under his pillow I could get rid of him in a completely painless or was it a long and terrible death...Either way there is no way to trace it unless you call 911 right away or was it after 6 hours. In college, I took notes and did very well. As my mind becomes freer, I'm thinking I might have to start taking notes on every thing.